


The Illogical, Alphabetical Adventures of the Starship Enterprise

by NrdyGrl



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Annoying Mothers, Awkward situations, Everyday Life, Evolving Friendships, Humor, Implied Relationships, Multi, Uninhabited Planet Cliches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-24
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2017-12-21 21:25:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 18,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NrdyGrl/pseuds/NrdyGrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trouble can come in any shape, form, or size, and for some reason, the Enterprise always seems to find it. Short stories centered around life aboard the Enterprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Acoustic

Chapter One: A

Acoustic

Nobody ever thought that Bones played a musical instrument. Instruments were supposed to cause joy in musician and at least half the crew of the Enterprise thought McCoy was too grumpy to ever be happy. Leonard had never shown an interest in music, and often told people to, "Turn that damn racket down." Everyone figured he sat in his quarters doing paperwork all day. Until Jim proved them very wrong.

* * *

Dr. McCoy sighed as the door to his quarters closed behind him. The sickbay had been relatively quiet but the medical staff could have drowned in the amount of paperwork they had. Between Jim's adventures planet side and the accidents in engineering, there were probably more reports to write than crewmembers aboard the ship. Some days, McCoy wished he had been assigned to a nice outpost with a sane captain and a crew with an average age above twenty-five. Other days, he thanked God that the kids he served with were young enough to bounce back from some of the ridiculous injuries they managed to attain.

"Computer, play music file ninety-eight c," Leonard said.

"Accessing file ninety-eight c." The first few bars of Hotel California played softly from invisible speakers. McCoy's fingers tapped along on his leg and he sang under his breath while he sat down on his Starfleet issue sofa. For a minute or two, he just sat, resting and relishing the quiet. He noticed a PADD on the end table, still displaying the page of the Michael Crichton book he had been reading earlier. He went to pick it up, but instead Leonard decided to get up and go rummaging around in his closet.

"Dammit, where is it," he grumbled. Suddenly there was a loud, metallic twang and his finger hit steel. Way in the back sat his old acoustic guitar, with the scratched pickguard and the worn down finish. It had been his father's and he loved listening to the older McCoy play when he was little.

Leonard silenced the computer and sat back down, fiddling with the strings and getting used to the feeling of cold steel on his fingers again. After straining to remember a couple of obscure chords, he began to play.

"Hey Bones, I. . ." Jim's voice came from the doorway. Leonard didn't hear it and kept right on playing. When he finished, he jumped at the sound of at least a dozen people clapping from his doorway.

"That was awesome, Bones; I didn't know you played guitar," Kirk said. Many other lieutenants and ensigns behind him nodded in agreement.

"I don't play often; I have to be in the right mood," Leonard shrugged.

"You should play more often. We have a recreation room for a reason," Jim said over his shoulder.


	2. Backfire

Chapter Two: B

Backfire

* * *

"Captain?"

"Yes, Spock?"

"I believe your plan. . . I believe you would say 'backfired.'"

"That's an understatement; it backfired spectacularly."

"Both you and Bones are agreeing?! Is the world going to end?"

"Captain, I do not believe that the doctor and I agreeing would cause the. . ."

"It's an expression you green-blooded hobgoblin."

"As much as I like watching you two argue, I think we should focus on getting out of here."

"Damn straight."

"I agree."

"Alright then, let me see if I can pull these chains out of the wall. . ."

"Jim, you look like a constipated hippopotamus."

"A crude analogy, but an accurate one."

"Thanks Spock, I appreciate the support so much."

"Maybe we should let Spock try, since he is so superior."

"Thank you, doctor."

"I was being sarcastic."

"Fine, since I apparently failed, why don't we let Spock make an attempt."

"I think Spock is better than you Jim."

"I'm sorry I'm not Vulcan. I don't have the super strength to pull chains off of brick walls."

"Doctor, my mixed heritage allows me to do things humans cannot. That does not make me

'better' than anyone."

"You flaunt your 'superior' intelligence all the time, Spock. Don't pretend to have any humility."

"Alright, enough. Spock, help me down from here; Bones, for the love of god, stop insulting Spock every chance you get."

"Captain, I hear footsteps approaching."

"I don't hear anything."

"What? I don't. . . Oh shit."

"Uh, Spock, could you get us down from here so we can find our communicators and get the hell out of here?"

"One moment."

"Thanks, Spock."

"Excuse me, but as much as I enjoy hanging by my wrists and ankles while you two stand there discussing battle plans, I would really like to be able to touch the floor again."

"We all know you like being restrained Bones, you don't have to tell us."

"Shut up, kid."

"Doctor McCoy's restraints appear to be stuck."

"What do you mean 'stuck?'"

"Doctor, I would hope that you would know the definition of 'stuck.'"

"I know the damn definition, you pointy-eared bastard.  _Get me down from here_!"

"We will need phasers, Captain."

"Alright, Bones, you hang tight. . . poor choice of words. Stay here and Spock and I will be back soon. I hope."

"Whatever happened to those footsteps your pointy ears heard?"

"I believe they have passed, Doctor. Let us go; we need to leave this planet before the natives can discover how our phasers, communicators, and tricorders work."

* * *

"Took you two long enough; I've been hanging here forever."

"Doctor, you have only been there for ten point six minutes."

"What, only one decimal point this time?"

"Spock, you aim for the restraints on his hands and I'll aim for the ones by his feet."

"I'm really glad there were no restraints by our waists."

"That would be payback for all the times you've threatened to castrate me."

"Ugh, that was not comfortable. Thanks a lot."

"We did free you, did we not, Doctor?"

"You could've warned me you were almost done; I could have broken something falling like

that."

"Scotty, beam us up. My plan backfired. Badly."

"Badly would be an understatement."

"Damn straight."


	3. Commodore

Chapter Three: C

Commodore

* * *

"What do you mean I have to deal with Commodore Zemke?" Jim said, looking at the comm. in his ready room.

"I mean," Christopher Pike said, "That Dia is coming aboard your ship for transport from Starbase Eleven to Starbase Eight." Kirk ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his neck. Commodore Dia Zemke was best known as the most xenophobic person to ever enroll in starfleet; now, Jim had to bring her aboard for a week.

"Please, Admiral Pike, there has to be another ship within the vicinity that is willing to transport the Commodore." Pike raised an eyebrow at the use of his official title, but said nothing about it.

"Sorry, Jim. You have your assignment, now go do it. Starfleet out." The screen went blank in front of Jim's face and he had to resist every urge to slam his head on his desk. No one, not even the Commodore's husband, like to be around that woman when she was on a rant about why humans were the superior species.

"Scotty, prepare to transport Commodore Zemke aboard."

"Commodore Zemke, sir?" Jim sighed.

"You heard me Scotty; Commodre Zemke will be on board with us for one week. Keep Keenser out of her way."

* * *

"Sulu, set course for Starbase Eight at Warp six," Kirk said, plopping down into the Captain's chair. He took a deep and breath and waited for the impending barrage of questions.

"Starbase Eight, sir? I thought ve vere heading to New Wulcan," Chekov said, spinning his chair around.

"Starbase Eight is on our way and we're dropping off a Commodore." Thankfully, Sulu shrugged and turned Chekov back around to face his station. Just as Sulu pushed the  _Enterprise_ into warp,  _she_ walked onto the bridge.

"Captain," Zemke began, walking towards the Captain's chair. "Thank you for allowing me passage on this vessel." Jim nodded, but otherwise didn't aknowledge the Commodore.

"It really is a nice vessel, and run very well, considering."

"Considering what, Commodore?"  _Shit, here it comes,_  Jim thought as the words left his mouth.

"Well, half your crew isn't human, Captain. It must be so difficult to run a ship that way. Now, I would. . ."

* * *

 _Three days. Three more freaking days and she'll be off my ship forever._  The Commodore hadn't stopped ranting about the  _Enteprise's_  crew since she came on board. So far, she had managed to insult almost every species except Spock.

"Oh, and when I was Captain, we never dreamed of having Vulcans onboard our vessels. They were so cold when it came to interacting with others that no one wanted to work with them. Honestly, I'm surprised that your first officer is half-human. I didn't know that Vulcans, especially Ambassador Sarek, were capable of love." That was it, that was the last straw. Jim was about ready to order Zemke off the bridge when everyone snapped. Looking back on the situation, Kirk thought Sulu had started it, but soon everyone had joined in.

"For chrissake, shut up for five minutes, would you? We don't need to hear your bigoted, xenophobic, prejudiced view on every single species onboard. I don't know how you made it into Starfleet, but it was a mistake." Sulu had spun around and glared at the Commodore the entire time he was talking.

"Just because someone is Orion does not make them a slut," Chekov said, punching at the controls on his console much harder than he really needed to.

"And I can inform you that Vulcans may not show it, but they are capable of all emotions," Uhura almost yelled. "Including love," she continued, smirking. "Very passionate love." Anyone who wasn't paying attention to the Commodore noticed that Spock's ears had turned bright green.

"Captain?" The Commodore said, shaking and turning a violent shade of red. Jim just shrugged and calmly told everyone to go back to their stations. Needless to say, Commodore Zemke did not go back on the bridge for the rest of the trip.


	4. Doctor, Doctor

Chapter Four: D

Doctor, Doctor

* * *

It started off as a normal day on the Enterprise; Spock was doing some sort of logical experiment in the labs, Uhura was translating Klingon poetry, Sulu was fencing, Chekov was layin in courses, Scotty was fixing the engines, and Jim was doing his best to not die of boredom on the bridge. Everything was normal, at least, that was until Bones began talking over the communicator to the bridge.

" _Jim_! You better get your ass down to sickbay or I will hypo you so hard, you won't wake up until the  _end_  of this mission." McCoy's southern drawl was thicker than ever, which made Kirk nervous; Bones drawl was only that thick when he was seriously pissed. Suddenly, Jim noticed a sound in the background.

"What the hell is that?" He asked.

 _Doctor, Doctor, gimme the news, I gotta,_  
Bad case of loving you.  
No pill is gonna cure my ill, I gotta,  
Bad case of loving you.

"Uh," was all the came out of Jim's mouth.

"Yeah, and I can't freaking  _turn it off_. So, since I know you did it, get down here and fix it!" Jim coked his head sideways and listened a little longer.

"I've never heard that song," he said, turning towards a giggling Uhura. "Do you know it?"

"It's 'Bad Case of Lovin' You' by Robert Palmer, from 1979," she said between bursts of laughter.

"Never heard of it, Bones. Why don't you ask Scotty or Gaila to fix it?" The bridge crew heard grumbling that sounded suspiciously like 'ducking immature, reckless bass hat captains'. Jim smiled when Bones ended the communication and began laughing.

"Thank you, Uhura, I could've never found that song without your help." Nyota laughed and nodded, turning back to her station; Spock raised an eyebrow and looked questioningly at Jim. Kirk just shrugged and picked up his PADD. No one questioned why it randomly began playing 'I Feel Pretty', from  _West Side Story_.


	5. Earmuffs

Chapter Five: E

Earmuffs

* * *

"Spock. . ."

"They are illogical."

"Spock, you're going to need them," Jim said, holding out the pair of fluffy earmuffs. Spock looked at them with disdain. Scotty was standing behind the transporter controls, trying his best not to laugh; the earmuffs really were ridiculous and he didn't blame Spock for not wanting to wear them.

"They are not necessary." Spock used his hand to push the offending object away.

"They are necessary; we need to hide your ears and it's negative three down on the planet's surface. You'll freeze."

"I will not wear them; they are illogical."

"Enough, I'm making it an order," Jim said, giving up on trying to out-logic Spock.

After a period of silence, Spock reached out slowly for the earmuffs. His eye twitched as his sensitive fingers touched the fuzzy, green material. Gradually, he lifted them up and put them over his ears. Uhura, decked out in a puffy winter coat, mittens, and a hat, did her best not to giggle as Spock raised an eyebrow. Unfortunately for the first officer, Doctor McCoy didn't really care.

"Oh my God, you look ridiculous," he said, grabbing a PADD and taking a photo of Spock.

"Doctor, was that really necessary?"

"Absolutely; we'll probably never see you looking that stupid ever again."

* * *

When the photo resurfaced at a retirement dinner for one of the older admirals, Spock knew instantly that it was McCoy.

"I distinctly recall you said I would never look that stupid ever again, Admiral," he said.

"Probably said something like that," McCoy grumbled. Spock brought a PADD out of nowhere and tapped a few commands on the screen. Then he showed it to McCoy.

" _Jesus Christ_ ," he shouted when he saw the picture on Spock's PADD.

"I believe you were wrong, Doctor."


	6. Flintlock

Chapter Six: F

Flintlock

* * *

"Stardate 2257.21: The _Enterprise_ has arrived at the Zeta Boötis system where we will explore the planet Neural. There, I hope to meet the man that made an unofficial, one-sided first contact with one of the starships that has been here prior to the  _Enterprise_. This man, Tyree, is the leader of one of the native tribes and I believe that we may be able to learn a lot from him without violating the Prime Directive. It shouldn't be relatively difficult; this is just a routine away mission."

Everyone knows that the beginning of some of the most disastrous away missions is the cursed Captain's Log. Whenever Kirk said it was just a 'routine mission', the shit hits the fan. This time was no exception.

* * *

"Found anything, Spock?"

"Possibly, Captain; the flora on this planet is very interesting." Spock was bent over a large, fan-like leaf that protruded from the ground, similar to the ferns on Earth. Surrounding the entire away team was a tall forest, filled with all sorts of roots, herbs, and plants that were rumored to have great medicinal properties.

Everyone was slightly spread out; McCoy was examining a tree, Spock was taking scans of the aforementioned leaf, Ensign Rory Mattick was helping Dr. McCoy with the tree, and Ensign Naida Zemke was checking and double checking the charge on her phaser.

Suddenly, a loud bang sounded and Ensign Zemke dropped to the ground, blood pouring from the bullet wound on her leg. Spock and Jim rushed out to help her while McCoy and Ensign Mattick dove for cover. Another gunshot rang out and the ground between Spock's feet exploded in a cloud of dust, right in front of Zemke. After moving the Ensign out of the way, Spock and Kirk crouched behind a rock, discussing plans.

"We can't use our phasers, we don't know why their firing at us and they sure as hell shouldn't have flintlock rifles," Jim yelled over the shots, trying to stop the bleeding from Zemke's leg. After a few minutes, the gunfire stopped as suddenly as it had begun.

"Spock, what's going on?" Kirk moved his blood-soaked hands as McCoy and Mattick ran over to their hiding spot, preparing to try and treat the injured Ensign in the field.

"A group of unarmed natives appear to be walking towards the origin of the gunfire. I believe it is the man known as Tyree," Spock said, pointing towards the advancing group of people. Knowing that they couldn't use their phasers and only had a small window of opportunity, Jim grabbed a large rock and threw it at the group. When the rock landed, the gunfire began again and the natives scattered in different directions. Spock pulled out his communicator and stood up.

"Mr. Scott, five to. . ." Before anyone could react, Spock went down, a green splotch slowly spreading on his back.

" _Spock_!" Jim yelled, dropping to the ground to see if there was anything he could do. It was a direct hit to his chest, right where his heart should be.

"Beam us up!" Jim yelled into his communicator.

* * *

"Is he alright?" Jim grabbed McCoy's arm and spun him around.

"He just woke up, I'm going to check on him," the doctor replied, heading towards the biobed with Spock in it.

After McCoy scanned Spock and ignored the beeping biobed readout on the wall, he began to go off on a tangent. "Well your blood pressure is off the scale, if you call that green stuff in your veins blood, and if your heart wasn't where your liver should be, you'd be dead about now."

"The readings are perfectly normal for me, Doctor, and as for my anatomy being different from yours. . . I am delighted." McCoy scoffed and looked up at an amused Kirk who was trying to hold back his laughter.

"Oh God, even though I wish for normal away missions, the resulting arguments you two get into are almost worth it." Spock and McCoy looked at each other, beginning to think their captain was crazy.

"You know," Jim continued. "Sometimes I wish I could land on a planet and say "Behold! It is I, the Archangel Gabriel!"

"I fail to see the humor in that," Spock said.

"Of course you do, Spock." McCoy started laughing. "You could never pass for an angel with those ears of yours. But say you landed somewhere with a pitchfork?

"That is illogical, Doctor, as I do not resemble the ancient, primative, human description of the devil." Spock began.

"I'll have you know that medical men are trained in logic!" McCoy countered.

"Trained? Judging from you, I would have guessed it was trial and error." Jim sat down, hoping he didn't let his amusement show too much.

"Mr. Spock, you're the most cold blooded man I know."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"I'm insulting you, Spock. How can you be deaf with ears like that?"

"I am not deaf."

"You drive me to drink."

"I already know this."

"Am I not allowed to state the obvious to an inferior officer who does not understand humans?" McCoy said, frazzled.

"Now you're starting to sound like Spock," Jim said, pointing at his friend.

"If you're going to get nasty, I'm gonna leave," Bones said, heading for the door. Jim finally lost it, letting his laughter ring through sickbay.


	7. Guitar (Acoustic Part Two)

Chapter Seven: G

Guitar (Acoustic Part Two)

* * *

**Previously on The Illogical, Alphabetical Adventures of the Starship Enterprise:**

_"That was awesome, Bones; I didn't know you played guitar," Kirk said. Many other lieutenants and ensigns behind him nodded in agreement._

_"I don't play often; I have to be in the right mood," Leonard shrugged._

_"You should play more often. We have a recreation room for a reason," Jim said over his shoulder._

* * *

Bones walked into the rec room that the bridge crew occupied, holding his guitar in one hand and a PADD in the other.

"Hey, Bones," Jim said, patting the seat next to him. Bones sat down and leaned his acoustic against the side of his chair. Ignoring the rest of the crew, he began to scroll down the screen, occasionally tapping a name and signing something. Jim sat next to him in quiet anticipation, hoping that his friend would decide to pick up his guitar and play.

"Is there a problem, Jim?" Bones asked, not looking up from his PADD.

"Uh, you gonna play, Bones?" McCoy sighed and set the PADD down.

"What do you want to hear?" He asked, pulling the old thing into his lap. When he strummed it, everyone cringed at how out of tune it was.

"Nothing until you tune it." It took him about ten minutes to tune the thing from ear, and it didn't help that Spock kept insisting the E string was a half step too high and so were all the other strings. McCoy did his best to pretend that Spock wasn't there.

"Now, what?" Leonard said after a minute.

"How about something about you," Jim said, smirking in a very suggestive way.

"Fine. I found this lying around an anonymous personnel's sickbay bed and thought it was pretty damn funny." McCoy strummed an E minor.

_Well, they call me Bones and I'm third in command_   
_Second in line is a man I just can't stand_   
_He's a green blooded, pointy-eared, seven year itch_   
_And when he pon farrs_   
_He'll make a Vulcan his bitch_

_Well, I may or may not have divorced my wife_   
_But I damn sure saved my idiot Captain's life_   
_And in a few months, he'll need a new cure_   
_I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour_

_The damned transporter_   
_Yeah, it gives me the creeps_   
_The first time I used it_   
_I couldn't get it up for weeks_   
_Now my tricorder's busted_   
_And sick bay just stinks_   
_I guess I'll just go replicate me a drink_

_Well, I may or may not have divorced my wife_   
_But I damn sure saved my idiot Captain's life_   
_And in a few months, he'll need a new cure_   
_I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour_

_Well, Jim is the captain of this here ship_   
_We call her the Enterprise, and the crew's pretty hip_   
_Yeah, the girls all wear go-go boots and miniskirts_   
_And I spend my days patching all the red shirts_

_Well, I have been asked to do many a thing_   
_Outside the area of my expertise_   
_Damn it Jim, I know I've told you before_   
_Damn it Jim, I know I've told you before_   
_Damn it Jim, damn it Jim, I told you before_

_I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour_   
_Just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour_

By the time he was finished, he had the whole rec room laughing so hard that most were crying or close to it. Everyone except Spock who was giving him the Vulcan version of the evil eye.

"Now, if I ever find out where Ensign Zemke is, I'm going to wring her neck." This made everyone laugh even harder, realizing that a medical officer had written a song about their boss. Ensign Mattick, who was best friends with Zemke, slowly slid towards the door of the rec room. Somebody had to warn her that the old country doctor was out for blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics belong to the band Warp 11; I have modified them slightly to fit the story.


	8. Horses

Chapter Eight: H

Horses

* * *

The first contact on Rho Andromedae Prime went spectacularly; between the diplomatic dinner and the ceremonial signing of the treaty, everything was perfect. So, of course, some deity somewhere just had to mess around with the crew. McCoy was already walking on eggshells, praying that his idiot captain didn't screw anything up.

"Hey, Bones," Jim said. "Lighten up, everything has gone just fine."

McCoy shut his eyes and took a deep breath. "Don't jinx it, alright? I keep expecting the desert creature of doom to come charging in."

Jim rolled his eyes and went back to shaking hands with the Andromedaen officials. McCoy just shook his head and looked over at Spock who was examining an equestrian looking animal.

"What is it, Spock?" He asked, walking over to the first officer.

"It appears to be remarkably similar to the Terran horse," Spock said, gently petting the side of the horses face. Just then, one of the ambassadors walked over. Her five green and purple hands waved an enthusiastic greeting to the two.

"Oh, I see our portloayka you've discovered ," she said in broken Standard, running her hand down the horses neck.

"It is a magnificent creature," Spock replied.

The woman next to him smiled widely, taking her hand and pushing her blue hair out of her face. "Then ride must you. Tradition here is it."

Spock shook his head no.

"Thank you, but I do not know how to ride."

McCoy snickered and looked down at his feet, hoping Spock wouldn't notice.

"Is there a problem, Doctor?"

McCoy silently cursed those pointy, super ears and smirked at Spock.

"Nope, it's just that I've finally found something I can do that you can't."

"Is there a problem here?" Jim asked, noticing the icier-than-usual glare Spock was shooting towards a laughing McCoy.

Kirk looked at Leonard questioningly.

"Spock doesn't know how to ride a horse," Bones told him.

Jim laughed and smiled, looking at Spock, who to the untrained eye would look stoic but to the Captain he looked embarrassed. Kirk decided that they had to teach Spock to ride a horse, just to see the reaction of McCoy. So, he called Uhura over and looked at Spock, opening his mouth to say something, but not finding the words. Instead, he turned to the ambassador.

"Tuma kay lomayta jore portloayka?" Jim asked, speaking slowly in the native language.

"Eshtay, oma letyre. Korris, machna ishtor amisga kitay plo federes na tloayka." The woman bowed to their captain. Before she left, she gave the Captain the key to the stable. Uhura, who had arrived when Jim started talking, raised an eyebrow.

"Just because it takes a long time to learn a language doesn't mean that you can't pick up a few things just by listening to the native speakers," Jim said matter-of-factly.

The Captain mounted the creature and used his heel to put pressure on the horses flank, holding the reins rather tightly. The horse began to trot forward, moving to the left or the right, depending on which way Kirk jerked the reins.

"See, it's not so hard. Here, Spock, you try."

* * *

So far, Spock hadn't been able to mount his horse without the animal running away right before Spock kicked his leg up. Uhura didn't seem to be having too much trouble with her horse; she appeared to be a natural rider, picking up on the subtle movements quickly. Jim, having grown up on a farm was doing just fine. McCoy on the other hand. . .

"You should be ashamed of yourself," Leonard said, rubbing his back. The horse whinnied and backed away. "Don't you walk away from me."

This time, the animal snorted and looked McCoy right in the eye.

"Yeah, that's right, you shouldn't have thrown me. Now I have to deal with Jim making fun of me because I got a moody horse."

The horse reared up on its hind legs, waving the front limbs in the air.

"Bones, you're talking to a horse," Jim said, riding up next to him.

"I've told you before that one of these days, you're going to make me crazy. I think today is that day," McCoy said, hanging his head in his hands.

"Really, Doctor?" Spock said. "By your actions, I was lead to believe the Captain had driven you crazy long before you came aboard the  _Enterprise_ ; my mistake."

Jim and Uhura laughed as McCoy gaped at Spock and said, "I can't believe it; the damn hobgoblin made a joke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally made up a bunch of random words and called it a language. Here are the translations:
> 
> Portloayka- Horses
> 
> Tuma kay lomayta jore portloayka?- May we borrow these horses?
> 
> Eshtay, oma letyre. Korris, machna ishtor amisga kitay plo federes na tloayka.- Yes, of course. Please, teach your friend how to ride a horse.
> 
> This is not a real language. The only thing that makes it similar to a real language is I decide por is a prefix that makes a word plural.


	9. Intoxicated

Chapter Nine: I

Intoxicated

* * *

Leonard honestly should have expected it; there wasn't a thing in the universe that could keep Jim from seeking out the worst dives in the galaxy. When Kirk decided that the bridge crew should have shore leave together, McCoy expected a quiet night in his quarters and a nice novel. Instead, he and the rest of the senior staff were dragged to the most disgusting bar Jim could find. Of course, no one had anything better to do so getting drunk seemed . . . logical; and damn it if there wasn't a better phrase.

"So, ya see, that was when she said, 'My name's not Lola.'"

Sulu, Uhura, Chekov, Scotty, and Christine all laughed at Jim's slurred story.

"One of these days he's going to drink himself into oblivion and I'm not going to help the bastard," McCoy grumbled.

"Doctor," Spock replied. "It is physically impossible for someone to 'drink themselves into oblivion' as you would say."

McCoy rolled his eyes and watched as Scotty knocked back his fifth shot of scotch. Chekov made some comment about how scotch was for pussies and downed his sixth shot of vodka. Leonard vowed to keep a close eye on those two, knowing that if they got into a drinking contest they wouldn't stop until they got alcohol poisoning.

"Bones, c'mon, have a. . . drink," Jim pushed, swaying in his seat and throwing his arm around his best friend's shoulders.

"Nah, I don't think so. Somebody's got to be your babysitter." Christine giggled and chose that moment to walk back over with their next round of drinks and plop herself in McCoy's lap. Leonard gaped and yelled in an annoyed and incredulous voice, "What the hell are you doing woman? You're normally the most uptight."

"I'm not uptight," she whispered drunkenly in his ear. "Just tight."

Leonard resisted the urge to shove her off his legs and just sighed, accepting his fate of being stuck under his head nurse for the foreseeable future. "Why do they have to let loose on shore leave? Why can't they act like responsible adults? He's a starship captain for Christ sake."

Spock raised an Eyebrow at McCoy's statement and looked over at their Captain. "After associating socially with the Captain for the amount of time you have, I would expect that you would be used to his more distasteful tendencies."

McCoy shrugged, and began wondering how hard it would be to reach the hypo in his pocket while Chapel was sitting on him. Accepting defeat, Leonard ignored the new sexcapade story Jim was telling and stole Chapel's drink from her hand.

"Hey," she whined, swiping at McCoy's hand like a child whose mother is trying to fix their hair.

"I believe you said you would not imbibe," Spock said questioningly, giving another raised eyebrow to the drink in the doctor's hand.

"If you want to take care of them when we get back to the ship, go ahead."

The First Officer nodded slowly, realizing that the handful of officers currently intoxicated would be very difficult to handle when they were back on board.

"I think it's time we beam outta here; what do you think, Spock?"

* * *

"Chapel, dammit, let go of me."

"I never realized how strong you were, Leonard."

"Please, let's just get to sickbay before you do something you'll regret."

"Do you want me to do something I'll regret? 'Cause I'll do anything you want."


	10. Jefferies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some foul language, but some of the stuff Scotty says does not mean what you think it means, I promise.

Chapter Ten: J

Jefferies

* * *

 

"Uh, Scotty?"

"Aye, Captain?"

"I'm stuck," Jim said, shifting a little so his arm wasn't so squished against the wall of the tube.

"Whaddaye mean you're stuck?" Scotty's confused tone rang loudly in the tight space.

"I mean I'm stuck as in unable to get out of here."

"Where?" Jim gulped and thought of the hundreds of different ways his Chief Engineer might

react; hopefully he would laugh.

"I'm stuck in the friggin' Jefferies Tubes!" Jim's outburst was met by complete silence.

"Did he just say what I think he said?" Uhura's voice came from the communicator. Jim wondered why Scotty was working on the bridge, but figured he was just working at the engineering console up there.

"I believe he did," said Sulu sounding like he was trying to stifle a laugh.

"How did the Captain manage to get himself in such a predicament?" Jim rolled his eyes at the Vulcan's statement, knowing full well that Spock was doing the eyebrow-raise-head-tilt combination that translated to ' _You are being a dumbass_ '.

Kirk took a deep breath and tried to stay as calm as possible. "I will tell you how I managed to do this if and when you get me out of here."

Forty five minutes and a bunch of lube later, Jim was sitting in a chair in the mess with his head hung low and a bunch of incredulous faces staring back at him.

"How did you get so stuck?" Sulu said, his eyes wide and his eyebrows raised.

Uhura chuckled and shook her head, looking directly at Jim and saying, "It's Jim; he never does anything half way."

"Captain, I do not understand how you got yourself into such a situation," Spock added.

Jim shrugged and decided that instead of trying to brush it off and not explain anything, he had better tell them everything or he was never going to live it down.

* * *

"What do you mean you can fix a busted conduit faster than I can?" Jim said, eyeing his Russian whiz kid questioningly. Kirk knew the kid was a genius, but so was he; he'd built a motorcycle from just the chassis and the engine for it from spare parts.

"Da, I can. The conduit was inwented in Russia."

Kirk rolled his eyes, knowing full well that the conduit was not 'inwented' in Russia. "Sure Chekov. Why not settle this here and now?"

Chekov looked at his Captain curiously.

"There just so happens to be," Kirk began smugly, "Two broken conduits nearby."

Ten minutes later Chekov was beginning to get worried. He had finished his conduit seven minutes ago, and even though he felt he was better than the Captain at certain things, he figured Kirk would be done by then.

"Keptain?" He called, searching the ground level for Kirk.

"Chekov?" Pavel's name echoed off the walls and he had difficulty locating the origin of the sound.

Chekov yelled back, "Da, sir?"

"I'm stuck."

"Vot der'mo."

* * *

"Chekov," Uhura said in a shocked voice knowing full well what that Russian phrase meant.

"Captain, you were trying to outsmart the whiz kid; nobody can do that," Sulu said, lightly punching Chekov on the arm.

Jim just nodded. "I know, I know, but there's no such thing as a no-win scenario."

Suddenly, all the laughter tapered off and Jim was met with an angry looking Scotsman. The Chief Engineer's brow was furrowed and his mouth was set in an almost perfectly straight line. Jim watched in fear as Scotty's face turned the same color as his uniform.

"Cummin' the cunt?" Came the heavily accented outburst.

"What?" Jim asked, his mind turning the Chief Engineer's angry phrase into a sexual innuendo.

"Shut yer geggie, ya bamstick bassa! Ya messed with  _me_  lady and without me permission. Not only that, but you took plookie there with ya, who, by the way, is  _not_  an engineer!" Scotty's rant continued on and on, filled with Gaelic and plenty of cussing. When the Scotsman had calmed down a little, he pointed to Chekov and said, "A' least Chekov's got the decency to have a face like a well-skelped arse."

Chekov shrunk in on himself, flicking his eyes from one crewmember to another.

Jim looked apologetically at Scotty and rubbed the back of his neck, saying, "I'm sorry, Scotty; it won't happen again."

"Damn right, it won't." Scotty stalked away muttering something about know-it-all Captains.

"What," Bones began, "The actual fuck was he trying to say?"

"I don't know," Jim said, equally confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My knowledge of the Russian language is da and nyet and my knowledge of Scottish/Gaelic terms is bollocks. Here are some translations:
> 
> Vot der'mo ( In Russian: О, черт) - Oh shit.
> 
> Cummin' the cunt? - Are you serious?
> 
> Shut yer geggie - Shut your mouth.
> 
> Bamstick - Idiot
> 
> Bassa - Bastard
> 
> Plookie - Pimple face
> 
> A face like a well-skelped arse - Blushing; a face like a well spanked bottom


	11. Kissing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This can be read as Spirk or as strong friendship. It was not intended as Spirk, but some people read it that way anyway.

Chapter Eleven: K

Kissing

* * *

Jim watched curiously as Spock . Uhura grinned as she walked by, pulling her hand away from the Vulcan's.

"God, you two; get a room," Jim said, snorting at the almost unnoticeable public-display-of-affection he had just witnessed. Spock cocked an eyebrow at Kirk and Nyota blushed furiously as she made her way back to her station.

"What do you mean? They were barely touching," Sulu said, spinning to face his captain.

"Nyota just ran her fingers along Spock's; on Vulcan that is the equivalent of making out." By the end of Jim's sentence, Uhura was pretending to listen to space chatter and Spock's eyebrow had practically disappeared under his hair, his ears turning a bright green.

Sulu wiggled his eyebrow's suggestively towards his captain while saying, "And how would you know that?"

A shit-eating grin made its way on to Jim's face and he and looked over at Spock.

"Well, it's actually a pretty interesting story. . ."

* * *

"Jim," Ambassador Selek said, waving his hand to get Kirk's attention.

"Hey, Sp. . . Ambassador Selek." Jim had to catch himself; though he knew that Selek was really older Spock Starfleet insisted it be classified information.

The two men faced each other with mirroring Vulcan salutes and smiles. The group of Vulcans behind Selek managed to look disgusted and disappointed at the display of emotion without changing their facial expressions.

"Ambassador Selek, we are on a strict schedule and must leave shortly. Please provide the information you promised so we may depart," one of the Vulcans said.

Selek schooled his expression back to the typical stoicism and turned to face the man that had spoken.

"Of course," he said, nodding his head slightly. "This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterpirse and I believe he is capable of providing the information you seek."

Jim did his best to keep a straight face as he stuck his hand out, momentarily forgetting that Vulcans don't do handshakes. Selek gently pushed the blonde's arm down and apologized to the group for Jim's ignorance.

"Yeah, sorry guys. I kinda forgot about the whole emotional transference thing," Kirk said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You are a mere human; your mistake is understandable."

Jim cringed inwardly at the subtle insult, but chose to ignore it.

After the young captain had answered the Vulcans questions, they left, promising to contact Selek.

"I just don't get why they hate handshakes so much," Jim started. "I mean, I understand about the touch telepath part, but humans take the time to learn the Vulcan salute, so why can't Vulcans shake hands? Don't they have mental shields or something?"

Selek shook his head in disbelief and grabbed Jim's hand, shaking it.

"Wow, that feels weird; I feel like my hand's tingling." Jim examined his hand after it was released, scrutinizing the places where the old ambassador's fingers had touched it.

"That is because Vulcan's hands are erogenous zones," Selek explained.

"That means. . ."

"Yes, Jim. Vulcans kiss with their hands. Spock did not inform you of this?"

* * *

Bones snorted, pointing a finger at Jim.

"You actually kissed a living being and you didn't initiate and you didn't intend on screwing them? I think the world is going to end," he said.

"Not only that," Sulu added. "You kissed an older version of Spock."

The reality of what Sulu said hit Jim like a ton of bricks. He looked over at his first officer who had turned an even brighter shade of green.

"No," Jim said, a smile slowly spreading across his face as he realized something else.

"Bones is right; I didn't kiss Spock, Spock kissed me."

As the entire bridge erupted into laughter, Spock muttered something almost unintelligible; Jim laughed even harder when he heard it.

"How illogical."

Even though he was laughing, Jim was remembering all the times he had accidentally brushed his hand against his first officer's; technically, he had made out with one of his friends and his friend's boyfriend multiple times. The blonde's laugh died off as he began to comprehend why Spock was blushing so furiously.

"Uh, Rand is gonna have my balls on a silver platter if I don't finish my paperwork so, I'll be in the ready room if you need me. Spock, you have the conn." Everyone watched as Jim raced off the bridge in a blur of gold.


	12. Lyrics

**Chapter Twelve: L**

_Lyrics_

* * *

Jim whistled a familiar tune as he walked onto the bridge. Uhura gave him a funny look, raising her eyebrow just like Spock, as she mouthed the lyrics to him in a questioning manner. Jim laughed and sat in the captain's chair, winking at Uhura on his way down. She just rolled her eyes and turned back to her station. Suddenly, she got an intership communication on her PADD, making the screen light up.

_Hey, want to play a prank on Spock?_

_-Capt. JTK_

Ever so slightly, the Lieutenant turned in her chair to use her peripheral vision to glance at her captain. Their following conversation was interesting to say the least:

_What do you mean 'prank'?_

_-Lt. Uhura, Nyota_

_You're a linguist; prank: a mischievous trick or practical joke._

_-Capt. JTK_

_What kind of prank?  
-Lt. Uhura, Nyota_

_You'll see. Captain's lounge, 2100. You, Chekov, Sulu, McCoy, Scotty, Chapel, Keenser and anyone else we consider to be part of the senior staff. Obviously not Spock._

_P.S. Spock is glaring at me for not paying attention to the bridge, so no more questions._

_-Capt. JTK_

* * *

At 0530, the Captain swaggered onto the bridge, coming up behind Chekov and putting his hands on the young ensign's shoulders.

"Keptin, on ze bridge," Chekov said, spinning around to face his commanding officer.

"How are you zis morning, Keptin?" Chekov asked with an innocent smile on his face.

" _Wave away my yesterday_ ," Jim sang, his iffy singing voice causing some to hide their laughter.

" _Cause I'm leaving it behind me. Hello sunshine, come what may, I feel something new inside me. I hear the birds singing, now my alarm's ringing. Get up, get up._ " Jim patted the young helmsmen on the head and spun towards his chair. Spock watched as Kirk slumped down, put a foot on his knee and bit out of an apple.

Spock stood up gracefully, clasping his hands behind his back and tilting his head to the side slightly. "May I inquire, Captain, as to why you spoke in rhyme?"

Uhura beamed as she stood up and walked towards Kirk. Sulu turned away, making an attempt to hide the grin quickly spreading across his face.

" _Birds flying high, you know how he feels. Sun in the sky, you know how he feels. Breeze driftin' on by, you know how he feels. It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for him. And he's feeling, good. He's_ ," she paused, dragging out the silence for effect.

" _Feeling good,_ " she finished on an elongated note, her melodious voice ringing off the high ceiling of the bridge.

Spock looked incredulously at Uhura as she finished, slowly saying, "Lieutenant, maybe you can answer my question."

Nyota shrugged and waltzed back to her chair, swinging her hips slightly as she went. _This is so much more fun than I thought it would be_ , she thought to herself.

Spock tensed as Chekov stood up and walked towards Spock with an unhappy look on his face.

" _Lighten up, it's gonna brighten up,_ " he sang, surprising everyone as his accent barely broke through.

" _I want to play, you're in the way of our sunshine. Lighten up, it's gonna brighten up. Just let it go, and I will throw you a lifeline._ " As the Russian walked back to his seat, Spock grew increasingly confused at the actions of his fellow crewmembers.

"Ensign, I can assure you, I am not in need of a 'lifeline.'" the confused first officer said.

Jim was surprisingly calm as the Vulcan turned to him and began speaking in a low voice.

"Captain, if there is a problem with the crew, I wish to know what it is."

"What's that, Spock?" McCoy's voice came from the speaker in the arm of the command chair.

"Doctor, I believe there is a problem with the bridge crew," Spock said calmly. He was growing increasingly agitated, though the only sign was his jaw and posture tensing.

" _Don't worry, be happy. In every life we have some trouble, but when you worry you make it double. Don't worry, be happy, don't worry, be happy now._ " McCoy's baritone crackled slightly over the comm. unit.

In the background, Spock could hear Nurse Chapel and Engineer Scott laughing in the background.

"Mr. Scott, shouldn't you be down in engineering?"

" _Dress me up in me oilskin and jumper, no more on the docks I'll be seen. Just tell me old shipmates I'm taking a trip, mates, and I'll see them someday in Fiddler's Green._ " Between the brogue and the laughing, no one could really understand what the Scotsman was saying. None the less, the sight of Spock's hands clenching and his eyebrow twitching were worth it.

"If you will excuse me captain, I wish for permission to leave the bridge; I cannot work efficiently in this environment."

Jim nodded and the entire crew stood.

" _There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall and the bells in the steeple too. And up in the nursery an absurd little bird is popping out to say, 'Cuckoo.'_ " Uhura began.

" _Cuckoo,_ " the rest of the bridge echoed.

" _Regretfully they tell us but firmly they compel us to say goodbye to you,_ " Nyota continued, pointing towards Spock at the end of the line. Soon, the entire bridge had joined in.

" _So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night. I hate to go and leave this pretty sight. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu. Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu._ "

Spock did his best to keep his composure as the doors closed on the crew's laughter.

* * *

Later that day, Lieutenant Commander Samuel Giotto was walking down the hall when he heard laughing from one of the surveillance rooms.

"What is going on in here?" He asked, looking from officer to officer.

"Well, sir," Lieutenant Junior Grade Rory Mattick began. "You see, the Captain decided to play a prank on Commander Spock, and, well. . . See for yourself, sir."

Sam leaned over the ensign at the console's shoulder and watched as the entire bridge burst into an off key version of  _So Long, Farewell_.

"Make a copy of that, Ensign," Giotto said as he straightened; a serious expression on his face. When he was handed the PADD, he turned to look at the rest of the officers in the room.

"What are you all still doing here? Get back to work." A blur of red passed him as lieutenants and ensigns practically climbed over each other to get back to their stations.

Right before shift ended, Mattick passed by the Chief's office. From inside, he heard Giotto laughing and the sound of a bunch of people singing. Smiling, Mattick pat his copy of the fiasco to reassure himself it was still there. The guys on the _Bradbury_  wouldn't believe it without solid evidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In order of being spoken:
> 
> Mandisa (feat. TobyMac) - Goodmorning
> 
> Michael Buble - Feeling Good
> 
> Morcheeba - Lighten Up
> 
> Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy
> 
> Artist Unknown - Fiddler's Green (Scottish Folk Song)
> 
> Artist Unknown - So Long, Farewell (From the movie The Sound Of Music)


	13. Mothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight fem!slash here. Nothing graphic (meaning two girls who claim to be in a relationship hold hands).

**Chapter Thirteen: M**

_Mothers_

* * *

**Previously on The Illogical, Alphabetical Adventures of the Starship Enterprise:**

_"For chrissake, shut up for five minutes, would you? We don't need to hear your bigoted, xenophobic, prejudiced view on every single species onboard. I don't know how you made it into Starfleet, but it was a mistake." Sulu had spun around and glared at the Commodore the entire time he was talking._

_"Just because someone is Orion does not make them a slut," Chekov said, punching at the controls on his console much harder than he really needed to._

_"And I can inform you that Vulcans may not show it, but they are capable of all emotions," Uhura almost yelled. "Including love," she continued, smirking. "Very passionate love."_

* * *

"Ma, cut it out," Leonard said, slapping his mother's hand away.

The  _Enterprise_  was docked at Earth for repairs so the crew had been granted a week of shore leave. As McCoy and Kirk had disembarked from their shuttle (much to Bones' relief) both men's mothers attacked them.

"Jimmy, sweetheart," Winona Kirk cried as she pulled her son into a bone-crushing hug.

"Hi, mom," Jim wheezed, patting his mother's back gently.

Ensign Naida Zemke watched as her two superior officers tried to fend off their mothers. It was kind of cute, the way the tough doctor could be turned submissive by one withering gaze from his mommy.

"Leonard Horatio McCoy," she said sternly.

Doctor McCoy cringed at the use of his middle name and whined, "Ma."

Naida shook her head, deciding it was time to save her superior.

"Leonard!" Leonard spun around and visibly relaxed, smiling at Ensign Zemke's sudden appearance.

"Naida, what do you need?" Mrs. McCoy raised an eyebrow at the familiarity between her son and Naida, but stayed quiet.

Realizing her mistake, Zemke quickly snapped to attention and said, "I just wanted to tell you that Sickbay has been organized and all personnel are off the ship, sir."

McCoy nodded and was about to dismiss Naida when his mother cleared her throat.

"Oh, uh, Zemke, this is my mother. Ma, Ensign Naida Zemke." Naida shook Mrs. McCoy's hand, telling the woman how wonderful it was to meet her.

"Naida Acacia Zemke, shouldn't you say hello to your own mother first?" Zemke froze, slowly turning to face her monster of a parent. Commodore Dia Zemke strode up to her daughter, forcefully hugging her.

"Mom, could you let go please?" She whispered, almost feeling everyone's stares; she knew no one liked her mother and was embarrassed of her, even though she loved her.

"Oh, it's just so good to see you. How's life on the  _Enterprise_  been?" Commodore Zemke was totally oblivious to the withering stares people were giving her.

Naida shrugged, saying, "It's been fine. I like my job and Doctor McCoy's nice when he's in a good mood."

"And how's Captain Kirk?" The Commodore's voice was dripping with disdain.

"He's fine," the younger Zemke responded sharply. Naida thought back to her mother's embarrassing time on the ship and how she had insulted Commander Spock and all the other races on board. Suddenly, she had an idea, one that would hopefully shock her mother enough to get her to understand that other species weren't her verbal punching bag.

"Renalla!" She called, waving her hand in the air. Lieutenant Alenis Renalla came trotting up next to her friend smiling, causing her nose crease to become more noticeable.

"Mom, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Alenis Renalla; she's half Bajoran," Naida said innocently. She watched as her mother stuttered, looking between her baby girl and the hybrid next to her.

"You . . . you mean to tell me that this mutt is your . . . your . . ."

"Girlfriend," Renalla said slowly.

The Commodore glared at the half human in front of her, spitting out venomously, "I didn't ask you."

A crowd had begun to form as the Commodore's voice rose much past the normal speaking level.

"I will not allow this; no child of mine is homosexual," Dia said angrily, pointing at her daughter. People in the crowd began talking amongst themselves, some even going as far as to yell at the Commodore.

"Bisexual," Naida corrected grabbing hold of Renalla's hand.

"Too bad, Dia, you don't have to approve." Christopher Pike pushed his way through the crowd, putting a hand on Naida's shoulder.

"There's nothing in the regulations against LGBT races in Starfleet." Chris had somehow gone from standing behind the two _Enterprise_  crew members to being a human shield between Naida and her mother. "I would suggest you walk away before you say something you regret."

"Who do you think you are, Christopher?!" Dia Zemke yelled, poking a finger in Pike's chest.

"I think I'm Starfleet Admiral Christopher Pike who has been awarded the Medal of Valor and the Medal of Honor," Chris said, raising his voice slightly and walking towards Zemke as she slowly backed away. "There's even an award called the  _Christopher Pike_  Medal of Valor. Now, I think it's time for you to leave, Commodore."

"Admiral, I'd like to request that you transfer my daughter to another ship," she said quietly, her eyes widening as she noticed the large crowd focused on her.

Pike pretended to think for a moment, then looked right at the Commodore and deadpanned, "Request denied."

Naida looked smugly at her mother, hugging Renalla close to her. Commodore Dia Zemke took one final look at her daughter.

"If you choose this, you won't be hearing from me again." Naida's shocked and angry look was quickly replaced by an emotionless mask. She hadn't expected such a strong reaction from her mother, yet that reaction fueled something in her to stand her ground and fight.

"I'm sorry that you feel that way, mom, but I like it on the  _Enterprise_ and Renalla is my girlfriend." Silence followed as the Commodore seemed to think about what she wanted to say.

"I'm sorry, too, Ensign Zemke." Dia nodded to Admiral Pike and without even looking at her daughter, she walked away.

"Thanks, Admiral, I owe you one," Naida said, the tremble in her voice barely noticeable, but still there.

"No problem, just tell Kirk he owes me a favor," Pike said with a wink. The he looked over at Kirk and saw Winona.

"Winona, it's been a long time."

"Yes, Christopher it has." People began to walk away as Winona embraced the Admiral.

"Just out of curiosity," Renalla began, touching her friends shoulder comfortingly. "Are you actually bisexual?"

"Does it really matter at this point?" Naida asked, a tear falling down her cheek.

"She'll come around. I mean, it's the twenty third century."

Naida nodded, slightly saddened by her mother's reaction but equally pleased by the immediate acceptance from her peers.

"Zemke," a voice called from behind her. Naida turned and snapped to attention when she saw Captain Kirk running towards her.

"At ease, Ensign. That was a brave thing you did there," he said, pretending not to notice that Naida had been crying. "I also want to let you know that no matter what, there's always a place for you on the  _Enterprise_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally posted on fanfiction.net and this chapter was requested by Minecraft Guardiansaiyan. I believe I will continue posting on both sites, although my stuff will probably go up on fanfiction first. Now, for some information that I deemed important about this chapter.
> 
> Bajorans put their last names first so Alenis Renalla is Ensign Alenis, but Renalla to her friends. Also, Bajorans were never mentioned in TOS, but let's just pretend they were.
> 
> All of those medals are actual Starfleet medals including the Christopher Pike Medal of Valor. I don't know if Captain Pike ever got any of those medals, but again, let's just pretend he did.


	14. Nairobi

**Chapter Fourteen: N**

_Nairobi_

* * *

Spock felt the sun beating down on his shoulders; the African heat reminded him of the Vulcan desert he once called home. Next to him, Nyota smiled and visibly relaxed, looking slowly from left to right; she seemed excited and very happy to be home.

"They should be around here somewhere," she mumbled, using her hand to block the sun from her face.

The two Starfleet Officers were standing outside the shuttle hangar, having just arrived in Nairobi to visit Nyota's family. When Uhura asked Spock to accompany her, he was hesitant at first. After much convincing on the Captain's part, he relented and agreed to join her.

"A woman is asking you to meet her family," Jim had said. "She obviously really likes you."

"I never question whether or not Lieutenant Uhura was fond of me or not," Spock had said, raising an eyebrow.

"Nyota!" Both Spock and Uhura turned, trying to locate the origin of the voice.

"Dada,  _zaidi ya hapa_!" Spock and Nyota identified the voice when they turned and saw a man running from the crowd waving at the couple. People jumped out of the way, trying their best not to be trampled by him.

"Kamau, _polepole chini; utaenda kuumiza mtu_ ," Nyota said, gesturing for the man to slow down. The man Spock learned was named Kamau grabbed Uhura around the waist and lifted her off the ground, hugging her tightly. Nyota laughed as she was spun around, holding tightly to Kamau's neck.

" _Kuweka wake chini na basi pumzi yake, ndugu._ " A young woman who looked enough like Nyota for Spock to recognize her as her sister appeared and tapped Kamau on the arm, pointing at Nyota and gesturing towards the ground.

" _Ni faini,_  Makena," Uhura said, hugging her also.

"You didn't tell us you brought a guest," Kamau's voice boomed in Standard as he turned towards Spock. Even being over six feet tall, Kamau towered over the Vulcan making Spock look up slightly to get a good look at the man's face.

" _Ndugu, dada,_  this is Spock. Spock, this is my older brother, Kamau and my baby sister, Makena," Uhura introduced, throwing her arms around her siblings.

" _Ni nzuri ya kukutana na wewe, Mheshimiwa na Miss Uhura_ ," Spock said, tentatively forming the words on his tongue as he raised his hand in the ta'al. It had been almost three years since he had spoken Swahili and even though his memory was impeccable, it was still better to be safe than accidentally insult someone's mother.

"Oh,  _unaweza kuongea KiSwahili_?" Makena said, chuckling at how her older brother was almost glaring at Spock. She too raised her hand in the ta'al.

"I have not spoken Swahili since two years, eleven months, six days, and nine point two six hours ago. I apologize for any mistakes I may make," Spock said, trying to ignore Kamau's scrutinizing gaze.

"Uh. . ." Makena said, not completely understanding why Spock used a decimal point and went down to the specific  _day_.

Nyota smiled and raised an amused eyebrow at Spock, then turned toward her sister and said, "He's saying that he hasn't spoken Swahili in close to three years so he's a little rusty." Makena rolled

her eyes and looked at Nyota with exasperation, giving her the  _I-Knew-That-Already_ look.

"Is that not what I said?" The two girls smiled and laughed at Spock and began walking towards the shuttle lot. Spock looked back at Kamau who still hadn't stopped staring at him and followed Nyota and Makena.

 _I believe the human phrase is 'This is going to be a long day,'_  Spock thought to himself.


	15. Overhasty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can be read as Spirk or as a strong friendship. It was not intended as Spirk.
> 
> This chapter was inspired by a wonderful idea from my beta CurbItKirby (from ff.net).

Chapter Fifteen: O

Overhasty

* * *

"T'nar pak sorat y'rani, Sarek," Spock said, mirroring his father's ta'al.

"T'nar jaral, Spock," Sarek replied, lowering his hand.

Jim ignored Spock and his father in favor of looking around the New Vulcan settlement. A handful of Vulcans walked gracefully around, all with the same expressions on their faces. Women and children were scarce; mostly men were outside, doing small maintenance jobs on housing and other buildings. One male in particular caught the Captain's eye, but he couldn't figure out why. He had pointed ears and robes, just like everyone else, yet his face seemed strange; the way his mouth was set in an almost frustrated line and how his eyebrows slanted down as if he were in deep thought.

"Captain Kirk?" Uhura put her hand gently on Jim's arm as he shook his head and blinked.

"Jim, are you okay?" she asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just have a funny feeling."

"Are you allergic to something? What have you touched?" Uhura mentally went over the list of Jim's allergies, trying to think if he had come in contact with something that he could react to.

"No, not like an allergic reaction, like something's wrong and I can't quite put my finger on it." The Communications Officer nodded, turning back towards Spock and Sarek.

"Spock," Jim said, putting his hand on the First Officer's shoulder. The older Vulcan raised an eyebrow and the touch but said nothing.

"Yes, Capt. . ." Spock was cut off by Kirk suddenly and seemingly randomly grabbing Spock's hand, throwing the surprised First Officer behind him. Off to the side, Uhura jumped at the sudden movement, placing her hand over the phaser on her belt and putting herself between Sarek and the direction Kirk was facing.

Spock would've have sighed if he was more human, but instead chose to speak in a calm voice to the jumpy human in front of him. "Captain, that was an unnecessary action."

Kirk ignored Spock's protests, watching the working Vulcan carefully.

"Do me a favor and shut up Spock," Jim snapped. Turning towards Uhura he said, "That guy over there, the one crouched down working on something, he seems. . . Off. I don't know how to explain, I can just feel it."

Nyota nodded, carefully watching the man in question out of the corner of her eye. After a minute, she took a tentative step forward, silently asking if they should confront him. When Jim followed, both Officer's put smiles on their faces.

"Excuse me," Uhura greeted the Vulcan. The man turned and looked at them, raising his hand in the ta'al.

Jim followed, walking up behind Uhura and saying, "Yes, hi. We're from the Starship  _Enterprise_ , and I was wondering if you'd seen any of our crewmembers wandering around?"

The man shook his head  _no_  and went back to his work.

Turning back toward Spock and his father, Nyota lightly smacked Jim on the arm and said, "See, there isn't anything to worry about."

Spock ran forward and knocked Jim to the ground, taking Uhura's feet out from under her as well. Straddling his Captain's legs, Spock raised his phaser and fired at the same man that Jim and Nyota had talked to moments before. In the hand of the supposed Vulcan that Kirk and Nyota had just spoken to was a Romulan disruptor.

"Captain, are you alright?" Kirk looked up at his First Officer who was currently looming over him,

Jim crossed his arms and looked up at Spock who's knees were still on either side of the blonde's thighs.

"I'm fine, Spock, other than the fact that I have a fully grown Vulcan sitting on my legs. Why don't you go see if Uhura's okay?" Kirk grunted, shifting under the weight of Spock. The First Officer took the hint and stood up, walking towards his girlfriend who was still staring at the disguised Romulan.

Jim stood up and brushed the dirt off his pants, then walked towards Sarek who was still standing in the same spot as if nothing had happened.

"Are  _you_ alright, Ambassador? Can you think of any reason why a Romulan would be on New Vulcan?" Jim asked, watching as the Ambassador looked closely at his son.

"I am unhurt, and no, there is no logical reason for a Romulan to be here." Sarek looked at Jim and then back at his son. Still focusing on Spock, he asked, "How did you know that was a Romulan disguised as a Vulcan?"

"I don't know," Jim replied. "It was just a gut feeling; something seemed off about him."

"Though I never believed Spock would find it logical. . ." While Kirk was speaking, the Ambassador began mumbling to himself; Jim caught the end of it and asked, "Find what logical?" watching as Spock and Uhura walked towards the pair, lightly brushing fingers as they moved. It might have been perceived as human error, but Jim knew them better.

"Sex without procreation," Sarek said. Jim gaped at Spock's father as Spock raised an eyebrow and Uhura's jaw dropped.

"Father, why would you believe that I am interested in men?" Spock questioned, trying to ignore the shocked huff from Nyota.

"By the way you interact with Jim, I just assumed. . ." Sarek didn't continue when Nyota's eyes widened. Along with Jim's surprised and terrified expression, Sarek realized he had made an error.

"Father, I must correct your erroneous assumption. I am currently in a relationship with Lieutenant Uhura, not my Captain as it is not only against regulation, but not wise."

Jim feigned a hurt look and scoffed. Throwing his hand over his heart, he said, "Well there goes my plan to break you and Uhura up and have you all to myself," Kirk said, laughing hysterically and completely missing the almost shocked look on Spock's face. When he finally calmed down and look up, he realized Spock thought he was being serious. "Oh my God, I would  _never_. . . I mean, I'm. . . No, I would never do that to two people in a committed relationship. That's where I draw the line. Plus, I promise, Uhura, I'm not in love with Spock; not even a tiny bit," he said hastily.

Spock nodded looking at Uhura who was cracking up so much that no sounds was coming from her. "Are you well, Nyota?"

She nodded, breathing deeply and placing her hands on her stomach. "I'm okay, just, he thought you were gay for Kirk." As soon as she said it, she was laughing again.

" _And_  you thought he was serious when he said he wanted you all to himself." Jim flipped out his communicator, already glad that he asked Bones to stay on board; McCoy probably would have been making as many jokes as possible and Kirk would be even more embarrassed than he already was.

"Scotty, three to beam up," he said, angrily punching at buttons.

Sarek raised his hand in a signal for the Captain to wait.

"Belay that order, Scotty." Jim nodded at the Ambassador after his Chief Engineer confirmed the order.

Sarek took a deep breath and said, "I would like to apologize for my overhasty assumption; it was illogical to assume anything without the proper evidence."

Jim mumbled something and ordered the transport for an embarrassed Captain, a confused Vulcan, and a hysterical Communications Officer.


	16. Pride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Nudity

**Chapter Sixteen: P**

_Pride_

* * *

People in red, yellow, and blue uniforms scrambled to their stations as the red alert klaxons sounded. The ship shuddered as a phaser shot hit, knocking some officers off balance. On the bridge, Spock was sitting in the Captain's chair, raising his voice some so his orders could be heard over the sirens and the general buzz of people.

"Evasive maneuvers; Ensign Chekov, target the Klingon vessel's engine room!"

Chekov didn't even nod to acknowledge Spock's orders; he just let his fingers fly over the helm. Next to him, Sulu was adjusting thrusters and doing his best to avoid the volley of photon torpedoes headed their way. Spock continued issuing orders, wondering where Captain Kirk was and why he wasn't on the bridge.

* * *

Captain James T. Kirk was never nervous or embarrassed;  _never_. Jim raced down the halls, shouting for people to move out of his way. Officers jumped to flatten themselves against the walls, staring as their Captain flew by.

When he reached the bridge, Kirk ran from the turbo lift just as Uhura called out, "The Klingons are hailing us, Commander."

"On screen," Jim said, standing next to his emotionless first officer who was still seated in the Captain's chair. At the helm, Sulu had thrown his hand over poor Chekov's eyes at the sight of their Captain. Uhura had turned at the sound of Kirk's voice and immediately put her head in her hands. No one on the bridge was paying attention to their stations or the incoming message from the Klingons as they gaped and guffawed at the stark naked Captain standing on the bridge.

An angry looking Klingon on the view screen began to speak, "Duj jegh'a' pagh. . ." but trailed off. Captain Mortek of the Klingon House of Tagh was surprised to see a naked human standing next to a Vulcan science officer in the command chair who was at eye level with Kirk Jr.

"I assume you're the Captain of the Klingon vessel," Jim began, cocking his hip to one side and placing his hands on his hips. When the Klingon nodded, confirming who he was, Kirk continued. "I'm Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the United Starship  _Enterprise_. By crossing the neutral zone, you are in violation of the Klingon/Federation treaty. Return to Klingon space and no action will be taken against your people."

The more Jim spoke, the more the Klingon looked like he was trying to suppress a laugh.

"You expect me to believe," the Klingon choked out in standard, "That you are the Captain of the Federation's flagship?"

Jim sighed and looked down, knowing that later on there would probably be photos. Returning his focus to Captain Motek, Kirk shrugged, causing certain body parts to. . .  _move_. "Sometimes you're sleeping when the red alert sounds and unfortunately for me, these are my pajamas. Now, as I said before, return to Klingon space immediately and no action will be taken against your people."

The Klingon Captain only laughed and ended the connection, raising their shields for battle.

"They're locking phasers, Captain," Sulu said, immediately sobering when he saw what the Klingons were doing.

"Evasive maneuvers and fire torpedoes," Kirk said, sitting down in the recently vacated Captain's chair.

 _God, this is uncomfortable_ , Jim thought, causing the material of the chair to squeak as he shifted. Certain parts of his anatomy stuck to the shiny surface of the chair, making Jim cringe as the ship rocked and shuddered from impact.

"The Klingons are retreating, sir," Sulu reported after many minutes of trading fire.

Kirk jumped from his seated position, making many turn and cover their eyes again. Pointing at each crew member, Jim said, "Admiral Pike is neither to hear of this nor see this. That's an order." Slowly backing out of the bridge with his hands between his legs, Jim bumped into an unsuspecting chief engineer, causing him to spin around and move his hand to steady himself..

"Do I even want to know?" Scotty asked, smirking at the sight of Kirk scrambling to recover his junk. Sighing, Jim turned to leave the bridge, exposing his bare ass to everyone.

"Is that a tattoo?" Chekov asked, pointing to the detailed tattoo of the  _Enterprise_  on the Captain's lower back.

Sulu laughed, slapping a hand on Chekov's back and pointing at the tattoo. "Dude, that isn't just a tattoo, Kirk has a friggin' tramp stamp!"

"Jesus, today just keeps getting fucking worse," the blond mumbled, moving into the turbolift.

* * *

_Dear Chris,_

_Last time we talked you wanted to know how Jim was doing. Well, ye asked and ye shall receive. I'm technically disobeying a direct order which I could be court martialed for, so you damn well better not let the kid know we have a copy of this._

_Have fun being an Admiral in a cushy office while I'm stuck on a tin can full of fresh faced cadets._

_Sincerely,_

_Samuel Giotto_

The video enclosed with Sam's message caused Christopher Pike to completely lose it; his secretary came in and saw him wheezing with tears in his eyes. Rolling her eyes, she plopped his most recent paperwork on his desk and left, not even wanting to know what had thrown him into such a fit. After she had left, Pike did his best to calm down and watch the vid again.

"My God, does the kid have a  _tramp stamp?!_ "


	17. Q

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the tardiness of this chapter, but due to technical difficulties, my editor never received it and we had to scramble to finish it.

** Chapter Seventeen: Q **

_ Q _

* * *

Kirk sighed as the hot water ran over his shoulders; the shift on the bridge had been a long and tense one, plus the fact that he had been awake for thirty -six hours straight. Being so close to the Romulan  neutral zone put everyone on edge, and it didn't help that a Romulan patrol had paralleled their course until they pulled away from the zone. Thankfully for Kirk, they made it through Alpha shift without incident and he had been able to go back to his quarters and relax.

Fifteen minutes later, Jim stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry his hair. Looking in the mirror, Kirk saw a flash of red in the corner. Spinning around and dropping the towel so his hands were free, Jim looked around the small bathroom. When he didn't see anyone, he cautiously lowered his hands and tried to process what he had seen.

Suddenly, a man appeared in front of Kirk with a flash of light. Jumping back, the blond pressed himself against the wall. The tall man said in a surprised voice, "Oh, you're not Captain Picard." 

" Wh -who. . . Wha . . ." After Kirk got over his shock, he sprung towards the communicator, to call security.

"Oh, here we go," the man mumbled. Snapping his fingers, Kirk reappeared in front of him, but this time he had a uniform on. Looking down, Jim realized he was wearing some sort of demented security uniform. It was a red and black jumpsuit with circular gold pins on the collar. 

After a moment, Kirk decided that there was no way to alert security to the intruder. Maybe if he kept the guy talking, someone would realize something was wrong.

The man smirked and placed his hands on his hips, apparently trying to look heroic or awesome, but he ended up just looking egotistical.

_I can pull it off so much better_ , Jim thought.

"I am Q," Q said. Jim raised an eyebrow at the man's response, wondering whose name was a single letter.

"Was your father P?" Jim asked sarcastically.

"No, my father was Q." Q furrowed his eyebrow, wondering how stupid this man was; everyone knew of the Q.

Jim began to wonder if the guy was completely  batshit  insane, but at that point, he didn’t care. He just wanted this Q character off the  _ Enterprise _ .

"I don't know who you are, or what you're looking for but if you're not off my ship in the next minute. . ." Jim trailed off as the man in front of him looked more and more confused.

"What's the Stardate ?" Q asked 

"Twenty-two fifty-six point four two,” Jim replied warily; the last time he had dealt with someone who wasn’t from their time, an entire planet had been destroyed.

Apparently, the pieces fit together in Q’s mind, because he was suddenly nodding like everything made sense.

"Ah. It appears I'm in the wrong century. What did you say your name was?"

Jim frowned. "I didn't; it's James T. Kirk."

"Well then, Captain Kirk, it was wonderful to meet you but I must be going. Keep the uniform." With that, Q snapped his fingers and he was gone. 

Wondering if he was delusional, Jim thought back to everything he had done or consumed in the past day. When nothing came to mind, he decided to talk to Giotto later.

* * *

"There was a _ what _ in your quarters?" Jim's security chief asked with disbelief.

"Some guy named Q. I got out of the shower and he was just there. When I tried to call security, he snapped his fingers and I was back in front of him again, except I was wearing this uniform." Kirk pointed to the jumpsuit he was still wearing.

"Then," he continued, "He asked the Stardate and my name. When I told him the date, he said something about being in the wrong century and then snapped his fingers again and disappeared." 

Giotto looked at Kirk like the Captain had two heads, asking cautiously, "Sir, what have you eaten or drank today?"

Jim thought for a moment, wracking his brain to remember all the way back to breakfast. "Pancakes with maple syrup, eggs, bacon, and orange juice from the replicator, a cup of coffee and a granola bar and Bones made me eat those nutrient cubes for lunch but I also snuck a piece of cake onto the bridge." As Jim spoke, he counted on his fingers the different things he had eaten.

Giotto wasn't sure if he should ask the other question in his mind, thinking it might offend his Captain. Giotto certainly didn't think Kirk would, but. . .

"Have you had any alcohol or synthohol today sir?" Jim got a stony expression on his face and Giotto knew he asked the wrong question.

Kirk narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, saying, "No, Lieutenant Commander, I haven't. If you believe it's possible I _ would _  do something like that, which would put both the crew and ship in danger, than I'm doing something wrong." 

Giotto sighed and ran a hand through his greying hair.  “ I'm sorry, Captain, I didn't mean to imply anything. I'm just trying to figure out what happened." 

Kirk's shoulders drooped and he nodded, realizing that his security chief was just doing his job.

Thinking back on the day, Jim decided that he was probably just suffering from lack of sleep. __ _But that still doesn't tell me where the uniform came from_ ,  Jim thought.

"What, sir?" Giotto asked, leaning a little closer like he was trying to listen to something.

Jim jumped, not realizing he actually said the thought aloud.

"I was thinking out loud. I'm sorry I bothered you, Giotto. I think I'm going to get some sleep." Jim walked out of Giotto's office, yawning as he went.

Samuel Giotto shook his head and headed towards his desk. Pressing a button, he said into the speaker, “Giotto to McCoy.”

A gruff voice replied, “McCoy here.”

“Is there anything I should know about Kirk’s eating habits?”

There was silence on McCoy’s end as he thought about that question. “He usually tries to eat something loaded with sugar and fat, so I steal his food and replace it with something like nutrient cubes. I swear, if he doesn’t start listening to me, he’s going to end up fat and balding by the age of thirty-six.” 

“Would anything like, I don’t know, pancakes with maple syrup, eggs, bacon, and orange juice from the replicator, a cup of coffee and a granola bar, nutrient cubes, or cake cause him to hallucinate?” If the doctor thought it was weird that Giotto remembered everything Kirk told him, he either didn’t say anything or chalked it up to being a security chief and noticing everything.

McCoy sighed rather loudly and then a muffled bang could be heard.

“What, what is it?” Giotto asked with concern.

McCoy sighed again and answered, “The kid doesn’t sleep, so I put him on a new medication. That’s the only thing I can think of that would cause him to hallucinate. Why did you want to know anyway?”

Giotto explained everything to McCoy, from the being awake for thirty-six hours to Q to the piece of cake in the afternoon on the bridge. When he was finished, McCoy was cursing up a storm.

“Really? A man with a  _ single letter _  for a name teleported  _ on his own accord _  into his quarters and. . . and. . .” McCoy trailed off, continuing to curse and mutter under his breath.

“Just go check on him,” Giotto suggested. “Will you?”

“And the cake, goddamn that man and his fucking cake. I swear, I’m going to. . .” Realizing he was getting nowhere, Giotto cut the transmission.

The doctor did end up going to check on Jim and the resulting yelp from the harsh delivery of a  hypospray  could be heard across the deck.


	18. Restless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Chekov/Sulu You can read it as friendship if you want, but that's not what I intended.

** Chapter Eighteen: R **

_ Restless _

* * *

When Chekov began to wake up, he felt the pull of the sedative trying to coax him back to unconsciousness. Cracking his eyes slightly, he saw the glare of light and heard the muffled sounds of arguing voices.

"Dammit, Jim, he almost died!" Pavel immediately recognized Doctor McCoy's voice, thick with his Georgian accent.

"I know," came his Captain's strained tone. Chekov saw that Kirk looked exhausted.

Pavel tried to sit up a bit, but a sharp stab of pain stopped him. Biting his lip to keep from crying out, Chekov only succeeded in bracing himself on his elbows. Clearing his throat slightly, he scratched out the words, "Who almost died?" 

The response was immediate as he felt McCoy's hands pushing him down and heard Kirk apologizing profusely. McCoy's drawl was gentle and kind, completely out of character for the normally grumpy doctor.  “ Whoa, easy there, kid. Just lie back down for a second." 

Complying, Pavel eased himself back down onto the biobed . Looking around, the world spun a bit and he saw double as the drugs in his system made it difficult to focus.

" Chekov, Chekov,  focus on McCoy for a second," Jim requested. Chekov's head lolled to the side. He watched carefully as Leonard lifted up the Russian’s medical gown, causing Kirk to turn around to give Chekov some privacy. McCoy scowled at  Pavel’s  bruised and pale stomach. Gently poking at the muscular torso, Leonard said, "Tell me when you feel any pain." 

After he gently pressed his along his ribs and torso Chekov whimpered as the doctor's hand brushed over an extremely sensitive spot.

". . . Damn lucky he jumped in front of him. Took two old fashioned projectiles to the upper body and was grazed by a wild phaser blast to the bottom of his ribcage. Could've been much worse." Chekov strained to listen as McCoy spoke quietly but angrily with Kirk.

"Who is lucky?" Pavel asked groggily.

McCoy and Kirk looked at each other, faces full of concern and sadness.

"You are," Kirk said gently. "If Sulu hadn't jumped in front of you..."

As soon as Kirk said the name Sulu, Chekov began to get anxious. The monitor next to him beeped wildly as his heart raced with fear.

" Karu ? Is he okay? Where is he? YA  khochu videt ' Khikaru !" Chekov squirmed and cried out in pain as McCoy scrambled to calm the young man down. Leonard gently spoke to  Pavel , trying to explain that he shouldn’t overexcite himself.

"Chekov, come on," Kirk said soothingly. If Chekov had been paying attention, he would have noticed the concern and desperation on his Captain’s face. " Pavel , you need to calm down."

The flood of memories hit Chekov like a ton of bricks and it was just too much for him. Slipping into unconsciousness, the last thing he heard was McCoy calling for Nurse Chapel and pleading with him to stay awake.

* * *

As the landing party stepped away from the beaming coordinates, Chekov bounce up and down in excitement.

" Pavel . Calm down," Hikaru laughed, putting his hand on the Russians head to try and hold him down.

Smiling, Pavel let the words tumble from his mouth like an avalanche. "I am sorry, ' Karu . I am just very excited. My first away mission!" 

Sulu smiled and laughed as he watched his young friend act like a kid on Christmas. "Just do me a favor, Pav , and go spread your happiness to Lieutenant Mattick over there. He's grumpier than McCoy for some reason." 

Nodding exuberantly, Pavel ran over to Mattick and struck up a conversation while collecting botanical samples. No one had expected the Natives to even exist, let alone have flintlock pistols. The ambush killed two security officers. The surviving members of the away team bolted, hoping that they could find shelter. The Natives raced after them, screaming and shouting in a language no one understood. When they finally found cover in a cave, Chekov used his communicator to request an emergency beam out. The communication with Scotty was spotty at best and it didn't take long to realize that they would have to make a run for it.

"Alright," Mattick said. "I'll go out first and do my best to take out as many of them as possible. If you can get behind a tree, you should be okay until Scotty beams you up." 

Nodding reluctantly, the two members of the bridge crew crouched by the cave entrance while the only security officer left alive went out and was met with a full onslaught from the Natives. Finding cover, the redshirt began firing.

Sulu and Chekov waited until the Natives had to reload. When the gunshots became fewer and farther between, they made a run for it. Grabbing his communicator and screaming for the _ Enterprise _ to beam them out, Chekov was completely unaware that one of the Natives was coming up behind him. Sulu pushed him out of the way and for a moment, nothing registered. Then he felt a stabbing pain in his abdomen and heard a scream from  Mattick . Before he knew it, they were back on the transporter pad and Sulu had collapsed, bleeding heavily from no less than five spots on his body.

"' Karu ," Chekov whispered. He felt the pain in his stomach again and reached down to touch his shirt, his fingers coming up red.After that, everything was in slow motion. Scotty jumped from his seat as Pavel fell to his knees, holding the spot on his shirt that was slowly turning maroon.

* * *

When Chekov awoke the second time, Uhura was next to him, holding his hand. She smiled softly, and in a gentle voice said, “Hey there sleepy head.”

Pavel tried to return the smile, but it turned into a grimace as the pain in his torso increased. He felt the pinch of a hypo in his  neack  and then almost immediate relief.

"The Captain ordered Leonard to take a break so I was told that if you woke up, you would probably need that." Uhura stroked the top of his head gently, running her thumb along his forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"Confused," Pavel replied tiredly. "I remember a single Native firing their weapon, yet both ' Karu and I had multiple wounds. I do not understand.”

"The Natives were using something similar to a blunderbuss. They load a lot of things like glass and nails down the barrell , so when the gun fires, they get a projectile spread similar to the photon torpedo spread the  _ Enterprise _  sends out into space,” Nyota said. They sat in a companionable silence for a few minutes until Kirk walked in with a small smile on his face.

"Hey, Chekov, I've got some good news for ya ," the Captain began cheerfully.

Chekov furrowed his brow and asked, "Da, what?"

"Sulu's going to be fine and back on duty in a few weeks. You should be back on the bridge by the end of the week.” Kirk ruffled Chekov's hair and sat on the biobed across from him. Apparently, McCoy had some sixth sense when it came to patients because the next moment he was also in the room; he checked out Chekov's stats and asked him if he was experiencing any pain.After ascertaining the information, McCoy turned to Kirk.

Pointing a finger at him, McCoy scowled. "This kid isn't going on another away mission until he's thirty-five! Also, I scheduled a sort of class with Giotto for you and Sulu to help you understand the term common sense a little better; I'm fed up with you two coming back in tatters!"

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously frustrated by the criticism coming from his friend. "Sulu and Chekov are fine. The Starfleet official who gave us the information on the planet said that it was uninhabited and I had no reason to believe they were wrong.” Kirk continued to explain how a starship had visited the planet a few years back and had no issues. 

As the Captain and Doctor argued, Uhura gave a smile to Chekov and slipped out.

“Uninhabited, my ass,” McCoy grumbled, grabbing a hypo off the tray and gently administering it to the Ensign.

“I would surely hope your ass is uninhabited, Doctor McCoy,” Chekov yawned, laying back and closing his eyes. He missed the wide smile on Kirk’s face and the scowl that McCoy sent his way.

* * *

When Chekov and Sulu went back on duty, the Ensign refused to talk to his friend except in the utmost professional manner.

"Do we have the coordinates, sir?" Chekov asked, not looking in Hikaru's  direction. The Asian man watched as his friend essentially ignored him, choosing instead to punch buttons on the console much harder than normal.

"Sure thing, Pav ," he said hesitantly.

It went on like that the entire shift, with Chekov being as cold to Sulu as possible and Sulu doing his best to engage Chekov in some sort of friendly conversation.  Uhura  frowned as  Pavel  only spoke to Sulu when it was absolutely necessary. When shift was finally over, Pavel got up and left without saying a word. He practically ran back to his quarters, making it almost impossible for Sulu to catch up.

Holding his side because of the strain on his still healing wounds. Sulu stopped outside Chekov's door and took a minute to just breathe.  Hikaru  hit the buzzer.

"Who is it?" Pavel  said through the comm. unit.

Sighing, Sulu said, " Pav ? It's Hikaru . Come on man, open up." Sulu was met with silence and the door stayed closed. Pushing the button again, he said,  “ Pavel ,  pozhaluysta ,  otkroyte dver ’.”

The door slid open and Sulu stepped inside, waiting for his friend to greet him.

"What do you want?" Chekov’s back was to him.

Sighing, Hikaru sat down on the sofa and waited. After a while, Pavel slinked over and plopped down next to Sulu.

"Now are you going to talk to me or am I going to have to do all the work?”

Pavel continued to ignore Sulu, staring at the wall instead. Grabbing Chekov's shoulders, Hikaru spun Chekov's upper body to face him. He sighed. “Chekov…”

"I thought you were dead," Pavel whispered angrily. "McCoy said I could have died and I would have if you hadn't jumped in front of me. The way he said it...” Trailing off, Chekov looked down, not wanting to face his friend.

"Hey," Sulu said gently. "Hey, I'm alive. See, I'm right here." 

Chekov nodded, and grabbed Sulu’s hand. Hiccupping, he said weakly, “Doctor McCoy said I can't go on another away mission until I'm thirty-five.”

Hikaru laughed and patted  Pavel's head. "That's probably not a bad idea."

Pavel smiled, remembering something else that Leonard had said. "He also said he was going to make you and the Captain take lessons on common sense from Mr. Giotto." The look on Sulu's face made Chekov laugh. "That's payback for jumping in front of me and nearly dying. Karma's a bitch, da?”

Hikaru guffawed at his friend's use of such a crude expression.

"What? Karma was invented in Russia."

After getting over his shock, Sulu laughed, saying, "No more hanging out with Kirk and Scotty."


	19. Stolen

 

** Chapter Nineteen **

_ Stolen _

* * *

"Jim! I swear to God that when I find whoever did this I'm going to _ kill _ them!" McCoy screamed, slamming his hands down on Jim's ready room table. 

Sighing, Kirk put his head in his hands. The pulsing headache from earlier had come back full force when his friend came in shouting. Apparently, the drawing McCoy kept on his desk had disappeared.

Jim looked up at Leonard and said in a gentle voice, "I'll do what I can, Bones. It's a big ship, though, and I can't imagine someone would want to steal your daughter's drawing." 

Leonard sighed and plopped down in the chair across from the Captain and pinched the bridge of his nose. "She made that for me when she was four. It was me, her, and her momma, all happy and smiling. It's the only thing Jocelyn let me keep."

"I'll get it back; I promise."

* * *

" Keptin !" Chekov walked briskly up to Kirk's table in the mess hall, obviously upset and disturbed over something.

The blond sighed and set down his fork. "Yes, Chekov, what is it?"

Looking around carefully, Chekov sat down and leaned across the table, resting his upper body on his elbows. "Someone has stolen something from my quarters." 

This was the fifth complaint in two weeks about a missing item and Jim was rather sick of it.

"What was stolen, Pavel ?"  He tried not to sound exasperated, but by  Pavel’s  reaction, he must have failed.

"My plyushevogo mishku !" Chekov said angrily.

Kirk raised an eyebrow and asked, "Your  _ what _ ?"

"My teddy bear!" Chekov’s forehead wrinkled as he said this, obviously annoyed and very unhappy.

Jim took a deep breath, trying to both relax and not laugh. "Your... Teddy bear?"

"My sisters made it for me right before I left for Starfleet Academy." After a few minutes of consoling Pavel and promising to get his bear back, Jim sat in the mess hall, fuming. For weeks he'd dealt with irate officers missing sentimental or expensive items from their quarters and for weeks, the culprit had eluded them. The whole thing was affecting everyone's work ethic. Just a few days before, Uhura , who was missing her favorite pair of hand knit socks, had been daydreaming about what could have happened to them. All the while Kirk was trying to get her attention. Sulu's fencing gloves were missing and he forgot to disengage the external inertial dampener (much to his embarrassment). It was just getting to be too much.

_Maybe Spock will have a logical explanation for it_ ,  Kirk thought.

* * *

"Enter," Spock's voice said through the speaker of his quarters. Jim stepped inside and was amazed at the sight that greeted him.

"Jesus, I thought Vulcans were neat ."

Spock turned to look at Kirk; he looked different, but Jim couldn't quite pin point how.  “ This is not the typical nature of my living quarters. I returned from Alpha shift to find my door partly open and my possessions strewn about. So far I haven't been able to locate a sweater, but nothing else seems to be missing." 

Jim almost sighed in relief. "At least it was only a sweater. I don't think I could handle another crewmember racing up to me, yelling about how their mother's handmade mittens or their father's college t-shirt are missing.” 

The captain didn't notice the look on Spock's face as he mentioned the part about crewman Lucas' mother. Spock paused in his cleaning and said, without turning around, "The sweater that is missing was the sweater my mother gave to me the last time I saw her before the Battle of Vulcan."

_ Ah, shit, _  was the first thought that ran through Jim's mind. "I'm sorry, Spock."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Why do humans insist on apologizing for things beyond their control?"

"It's our way of sympathizing," Jim said flippantly. "Anyway, I actually had a question for you…”

* * *

Scotty was mad. No, scratch that, Scotty was bloody _ furious _ . Right where his poor, innocent, unsuspecting sandwich had been was now empty space filled with only carbon dioxide, oxygen, and bit of nitrogen to go with it. Keenser was nowhere to be found, but Scotty just knew, he _ knew _ , that Keenser was responsible for the disappearance of his lunch.

"When I find that wee bassa  I'm going give him hoor o'e beatin '," he muttered.

"Computer, locate Lieutenant Keenser ."

"Lieutenant Keenser is located on deck six." Cursing, Scotty realized that  Keenser

couldn't be the culprit; engineering wasn't close enough to deck six for that to even be feasible. 

Suddenly, Scotty heard what sounded like a whimper from one of the Jeffries tubes entrances.

"Hello?" he called out, looking up the pipe. What he saw surprised him. “What in the..." 

Sticking out from one of the offshoot tubes was a brown, white and black tail, wagging away. When the thing heard Scotty's voice, it backed out and turned to look at him. Barking happily, he dropped the sandwich that had been in his mouth.

" _ Porthos ! _ " Scotty yelled, lunging forward and grabbing the dog. " Oi , I knew ye'd show up sooner or later!"

Porthos licked Scotty's face in reply.

* * *

"Well aren’t you a mighty handsome fellow?" Uhura  asked, scratching said fellow behind the ears. Porthos rolled over, exposing his stomach. Nyota laughed and rubbed his belly, all the while using her extensive knowledge of language to speak to the dog in baby talk.

"Who's a good little puppy? And fat, too!" Sulu laughed as the dog barked in reply.

Kirk chuckled, watching as his crew fawned over the fat beagle. “How’d he get on board?”

"He  musta  transported; I dinnae  even know he was on board ‘til a few minutes ago, sir. Found ' im in a Jefferies tube, hoarding things he musta stolen. Took everythin ' back to me quarters. Hopefully, we can get it all back to its owners." 

Jim nodded as he watched McCoy lean down to scratch the dog behind the ear. Apparently,  Porthos  had taken a liking to the country doctor because he got up and launched himself at McCoy's chest.

"Whoa there," Bones laughed, holding tight to the dog so he didn't fall. " Archer'll be happy when he finds out his prized baby's okay." 

Scotty nodded, smiling at the thought. “Maybe he'll actually apologize for leaving me on that god fer saken planet fer so long."

As everyone talked, Spock walked up to the dog curiously. He wondered why it was so willing to be around people it did not know. Sticking his hand out, Spock expected the dog to sniff it and then let him pet it. Instead, Porthos stuck his tongue out and ran it up Spock's hand. Yanking his hand back in disgust, the Vulcan immediately retreated back to his post.

Everyone laughed as the First Officer turned slightly green and wiped his hand on his uniform.

"And Uhura said _ I _  had sex with animals," Jim gasped, holding his side as he laughed.

Even Nyota smiled at the expense of her boyfriend. "Farm animals, Captain, farm animals."

* * *

“Alright Sulu, here’re  yer  gloves,” Scotty said. Sulu smiled, turning the gloves over to inspect them for damage. When all he found was a bit of dog slobber on them, he thanked Scotty and walked off.

Turning to Jim, the Scotsman said, “Well, Captain, that’s the last of it.”

Jim sighed and sat down on Scotty’s couch. For hours crewmen had been back and forth from the engineer’s quarters, retrieving their possessions. The only person they hadn’t seen was Doctor McCoy.

“Do you think the wee lass will be able to draw him another one?” Scotty asked.

Jim shrugged. “Probably.” 

After they rested for a few minute, both men jumped at the sound of the inner ship communicator going off.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk,” they heard  Uhura  say.

Getting up, Jim pushed the little button on the panel. “Kirk to bridge; what is it?”

There was a pause before they heard, “Admiral Archer is on the view screen demanding to see you and Scotty.”

* * *

“Admiral Archer, to what do we owe the pleasure?” Kirk tried to sound happy to see the Admiral, but the look of pure rage on Archer’s face made it difficult.

“Where is Lieutenant Commander Scott?” Archer spat, saying Scotty’s full title as if it were a nasty four letter word.

Sheepishly, Scotty walked forward. “I’m right here, Admiral.”

If it was possible, Archer’s face turned an even deeper shade of red when his eyes landed on Scotty. His nostrils flared as he said, “You better not be messing with me, Montgomery Scott. Bring  Porthos _ now _ .” 

While Scotty was gone, Kirk and Spock did their best to calm Archer down. They didn’t understand why he was so angry; they’d found his dog. Why was he still mad at Scotty?

The  turbolift  doors opened to reveal a slobbering beagle and an engineer struggling to keep hold of it. Scotty set the dog down on the floor of the bridge and it raced over to Jim, putting its paws on his knees.

Jim smiled, pulling the dog into his lap. “See, Archer. Here’s your  Porthos .”

“ _ What have you done to him?! _ ” Archer was fuming. His eyes were wide and he was breathing heavily.

Scotty looked nervous as he tried to console the Admiral. “Look, sir, I know that  Porthos  is a wee bit different from the last time  ya  saw him…”

“A wee bit different?!” Archer screeched, cutting Scotty off. “He’s the size of two  beagles!My  strong, fit, poor  Porthos  is  _ fat _ _!_ ”

“While now there’s more of him for you to love,” Jim piped up, his  snark  not really helping the situation; it was obvious he had annoyed he Admiral even further. Archer opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind and only glared at him.

Spock spoke up, trying to divert the man’s attention away from his captain. “Admiral, we will be passing  Starbase  Eleven within the next fourteen point two seven hours. If you wish, we will transport him aboard and you may retrieve him there.”  

Archer shook his head. Frowning, he said, “You will transport him aboard by shuttle craft and I want someone other than Scott to do it.” 

After many promises, assurances and forced smiles, the Admiral signed off. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief; the bridge was much quieter now that Archer was gone.

Spock was the first to break the silence. “I, for one, will be quite pleased when  Porthos  is returned to the Admiral. Animals do not belong on a starship.” 

“You’re just mad because he licked you,” McCoy snorted, rubbing the dog’s head affectionately. “Isn’t that right? You certainly showed pointy-eared bastard.”

“As a doctor, you should know that dogs’ mouths are filled with bacteria.”

“Yes, but dogs’ tongues can also help heal wounds.”

“That is a myth.”

“Actually,” Jim said, “It’s not. A dog’s tongue is rough and it scrapes away the dead tissue, kind of like a surgeon cleaning a wound.” 

Spock raised an eyebrow in response.

“Face it, Spock,” Kirk smirked. “You’re just mad because you French kissed a dog.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOT! First day of school down the tube. That also means that updates will be more sporadic and possibly even less often (because they were always on time anyway). For those who have note figured it out, Porthos is Admiral Archer's beagle, the one Scotty talked about transporting in the first movie. I don't actually know the dog's name, but 'Porthos' seems to be fan cannon, so that's what I'm going with.
> 
> P.S. AO3 is messing up the spacing in some of my lines and I can't seem to fix it. Sorry if it makes it more difficult to read.


	20. Timey-Wimey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAH! It's been waaayyyy too long since I updated. The copy on FanFiction is currently in the process of rotting away into an abandoned mess. I need to get back to writing. But until I get off my lazy butt, I will give you this nugget. It was originally a Christmas gift for a friend but it never got put up here.

Pavel stretched, raising his arms high above his head. When he checked his alarm he saw it was only 0530; his shift didn't start for another two and a half hours but there he was, wide awake and full of energy. Ever since he could remember, Pavel had woken up early on Christmas Day. Downstairs long before his siblings, the young Russian would rip open the presents Baboushka had left him. His brother and sisters would join him hours later and they would all wait for their parents to wake up, laughing and comparing gifts. It appeared that though he was miles from home, his Christmas habits hadn't left him.

Getting dressed, Pavel decided to head down to the mess. Once he sat down to eat his breakfast, he noticed Sulu was across the room, tiredly eating what looked to be fried chicken.

"S Rozhdestvom," Pavel said, sliding into the seat across from his friend.

Sulu glanced up, his hand pausing half-way to his mouth. "Merīkurisumasu," he mumbled. The helmsman ate quietly for a moment before his fork clattered to the table.

"Oh God, today isn't actually Christmas is it?" Pavel, unable to talk with his mouthful of food, simply nodded in response to his friend's question.

Sulu shoveled down the rest of his food (which did in fact turn out to be fried chicken; Pavel would have to ask about that later) and picked up his tray. "I've gotta go," he said, jumping up from the table. "See you at Kirk's Christmas party later?"

Still confused, Pavel said, "Da," and watched as Sulu scrambled out of the mess.  
............................

He was awesome. Nope, he wasn't just awesome; he was freaking amazing. He'd somehow even convinced Spock to come down, even though the Vulcan tried to spew some, "Christmas is illogical," bull his way. Nothing could stop him, not even a hypo from Bones.

"Kid, if you don't slow down on the eggnog, you're going to make yourself sick. You really want to make a trip to Sickbay on Christmas?"

Well, maybe a hypo could stop me, but not much else, Kirk thought, gently setting his mug on the counter in front of him.

"Relax, Bones," the Captain said, clapping his friend on the shoulder, "Even Spock has had a

couple glasses already."

Rolling his eyes, McCoy took a sip of his own eggnog, watching as the rest of the crew laughed and enjoyed themselves. Most of the crew (except for the few who volunteered to take shifts) were down in the rec rooms enjoying a nice holiday party. The place was decorated with lights, garland, poinsettias, and a few deviously placed bundles of mistletoe. Christmas music was playing from somewhere in the room and many were dancing and singing right along.

Glaring as the group of young ensigns next to them took what must've been their fifth or sixth shot, McCoy grumbled and complained. "Why the hell are we even having a Christmas party? Christianity is a strictly human religion?"

"Whatever, Ebenezer. If you need me, I'll be over talking to Sulu." Kirk snickered as McCoy grumbled something about overly cheery captains and 'Bah-humbug to you too, bastard.'

As Jim got closer to Pavel and Sulu, he heard some of their conversation.

"You mean to tell me that Russians don't celebrate Christmas on the twenty-fifth?" Sulu asked, looking quite confused.

Pavel nodded, biting into a gingerbread cookie adorned with a red shirt. "We celebrate Christmas on the seventh of January, after the new year. We have a big feast and the entire family comes over. Sometimes we wait up with the little ones for Baboushka."

"Isn't a babushka something little old Russian ladies wear?" Jim chimed in.

Chekov, startling slightly at the Captain's sudden appearance, nearly dropped his half eaten cookie. "Da, but there is also a Baboushka; a Russian woman who gives gifts to children on Christmas, hoping that one of them is baby Jesus."

"Oh," Kirk began, "So instead of a jolly, fat man in a red suit, you have an old lady breaking into your house in hopes of finding the long dead son of God?"

Sulu tried to cover up his laughter by coughing while Chekov just thought for a moment. "Well when you say it like that..." he grumbled, crossing his arms.

Seeing Scotty waving him over, Kirk excused himself, promising to stop by again.

"Somebody needs to get into the holiday spirit," Chekov said to Kirk's back once he was out of earshot.

Sulu smiled, throwing his arm around the young man's shoulder and steering him towards Uhura and Spock. "Oh, Kirk was just being Kirk. Come one, I haven't gotten to wish Nyota a merry Christmas yet."  
....................

After everyone had finally left the rec rooms and headed to their respective quarters, Chekov dragged Sulu back towards his room. Once inside, he said, 'Wait here,' and disappeared farther into the room. When he reemerged, he was holding a long black box in his hands.

"Merry Christmas, Hikaru," Pavel said presenting him with the box.

Sulu took the box and sat down on Chekov's sofa. When he opened the lid, he found himself staring at a high end fencing epee. Holding the weapon carefully, he tested the balance and the weight, finding that each were to his liking; it was obviously a custom order.

"Jesus, Pav, this must've cost a fortune. Thank you." Pavel blushed slightly at the praise, but sat down next to Sulu with a smile on his face.

Looking happily at the sword in his friend's hand, Pavel shrugged and said, "I did not know if you used sabres, epees, or foils. I'm going to assume I guessed correctly." Sulu nodded staring gratefully at the sword.  
..................

On the bridge the next day, Pavel sat down at the navigator's chair, slightly confused. In front of him sat a neatly wrapped package with a bow and his name on it. When he opened it, a set of DVDs fell out into his lap.

"Is that a box set of Doctor Who?" Kirk asked excitedly. Pavel shrugged and turned it over. He had heard of the ancient British TV show and had been meaning to watch it but never seemed to have the time.

Pavel turned around and handed it to his captain who examined it intently. "This has all twelve doctors. Pavel, you have got to let me borrow this sometime."

"If you let him borrow that," Sulu said, suddenly appearing behind Chekov, "You're not going to see him for the next couple of weeks." Sliding into his chair, Hikaru clapped Chekov on the shoulder.

"Merry Christmas, Pavel. Even if I am a little late." Chekov smiled and thanked Sulu, making a mental note to watch an episode after his shift.  
.................

"Chekov, have you seen Captain Kirk?" Giotto asked the ensign.

"No, sir. The last time I saw him, I had let him borrow my Doctor Who DVDs." Pavel almost laughed at the look of dread on the security officers face. For weeks, Chekov had been lending his box set to Kirk as he slowly but surely finished season after season. Every time the Captain got ahold of it, he wasn't seen for hours at a time.

Giotto sighed and started to head for the door. Before he left, he stopped and turned around. "Next time he asks, don't. Okay?"

Pavel nodded and listened carefully as the Security Chief entered the rec room next door.

"Giotto, hey wait a minute..." he heard Kirk say.

"Sir, you're needed on the bridge."

"Just a minute, the Doctor and Sarah are about to... Hey, I was watching that!"


End file.
